An Unwelcome Visitor…

When did I lose my voice to Fear? A lion that roars above me, who strangles all my noise to an insignificant squeak. He stalks his prey and hunts them down until they have no one else to run or hide and then he yells, “Its time to be quiet…” He holds you hostage in a den of your desire, one specially made to keep you for a long time. But a prisoner knows when it has lost its freedom and I had lost mine to this lion in his den. If someone came to save me all he had to do was let out an earth-shattering roar and they would go running for Fear knows how to scare well.

Day in and day out and Fear would feed me with more lies – just one more bite and another day your mine. Another day spent in worrying, in deep and dark thoughts, in complex entanglements of problems, in panic, in suspicion and lonely, so very lonely in that empty fearful place. What good could ever arise in this place?

The lies were loud and drowned all peace out, sucked all joy away and love could not grow in such a place. My voice was lost bit by bit, piece by piece – first it was overwhelmed, then it diminished to a whisper, then I could not even sing – all too soon I lost all ability to speak. Invisible, captive, bound and broken – a mute, wordless skeleton of myself.

But still you ask, when did I lose my voice to Fear? It all began on a stormy night when I opened the door. A feline figure shadowed my door – “I can help,” he began, “If you’ll just let me in.” And before I had barely opened my mouth, or my door, he was in sleek and smooth within seconds.

I thought that perhaps he would stay for an hour or two – that his intentions were to visit me with his offers of help. But hours turned into days, days into months, months into years – he was no visitor. He had just invited himself in forever. He made himself at home and turned my house into his den. He settled on my couch, he dove into my bed, he rummaged through my cupboards – oh if only I had known then to just kick him out!

But little did I know that this unwelcome visitor had every intention of turning my life upside down. “You can’t be anywhere without me now,” he smiled. If I sat upon the couch there, he sat with me and whispered those lies. If I went to make dinner, there he was with me stealing all the food and speaking his poison and even when I went to bed to finally close my eyes and have freedom to myself – even here he was there and woke me with his voice of torment.

I no longer bothered to think for myself anymore – Fear did all the thinking for me. So, my mind became small and short-sighted. Only living in the daily moments of myself and never others.

As the years grew on, I tried to escape Fear many times and often I believed I was successful for a period and then he just came slinking back, that same smirk upon his face, “Naughty, naughty,” he would say, “Its not good to run away – I’ll always find you.” More lies to believe and each time I tried I grew more powerless and disheartened. He beat me down, he cursed me, he told me I was worthless and did not deserve to be here.

So, I stayed where I was and thought I could never leave – having scared everyone else away I was left at his mercy. Yet one day, Fear had been growing more and more ferocious in his lie-making and this was when the mistakes began to unfold. He said, “You were always like this, you have never known anything else. I’ve always been with you.” I began to frown as I remembered that day, that stormy day when Fear showed up at my door. That was when everything changed. The lie did not work this time – it bounced off me.

Fear started to change course in his web of lies and he began to reinvent my history – who I was, where I came from and why I am here. “You were made like this,” Fear tried again, “Created like this.” The word ‘create’ caused my heart to leap – wasn’t there once someone I used to know who used those words to me? Who once told me that he had created me and made me? Those words were like fresh water in my memory, my broken mind – created, someone created me.

I kept these thoughts hidden away from Fear – I did not show my face to him, so he could not work out what a revelation this had brought. “He made you without a voice and you’ll never speak again,” Fear ventured again. ‘He made me’, these words echoed round my mind again, ‘So I was made? Then who am I and who is He?’

The minute that these thoughts echoed around my mind – there was a knock at the door. A gentle firm knock. Fear jumped and then puffed out his mighty chest and just as he was opening the door to let out a huge roar, he faced another Lion. This Lion had a golden crown upon his head, his eyes were fierce with love and out of his mouth came the loudest of all roars that shook the very earth itself.

Fear trembled and fainted away at the sight of this Lion; his very heart melted within him. The Lion held out his paw to me and I took it into my own and he spoke, “You are my Daughter and I am your Father – I made you and I only roar over you with my love every day. Will you come with me?” I said I would, and he took me to a new home one which was forever guarded by Him – The Lion of Judah.